#1 Book Summary: The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman

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1-Page Summary of The 5 Love Languages

Overview

Love is a language that each person expresses in their own way. For example, you may express love by complimenting your partner on their work, while they may show love by giving you frequent hugs. These differences have been broken down into five categories and are known as the “love languages”. They are: Words of affirmation: You greatly appreciate compliments and encouraging words. Quality time: You love when your partner puts down their phone and gives you their undivided attention. Receiving gifts: Thoughtful gifts and gestures, both big and small, are the way to your heart. Acts of service: You feel most loved when your partner helps with your tasks, especially without being asked. Physical touch: Holding hands or receiving a hug makes you smile.

What Happens to Love After the Wedding?

Some people get married quickly and then their relationships burn out. This is a common problem in relationships. Maybe you’ve experienced this or maybe you know someone who has. People fall in love, want to make their partners happy, but after they get married something changes and the relationship falls apart.

A man once met a writer named Gary Chapman, who had been married three times. The first two marriages didn’t last more than 10 years, and the man told stories of how he repeatedly failed to keep the spark alive in his relationships.

A man was having problems in his marriage. He did not know how to express love in a way that would make his wife happy, so she felt unloved and unhappy.

There are many ways to show affection, but often couples do not show that affection in a way that their partners respond well. If this continues unchecked, the relationship will eventually fall apart because of resentment and bickering.

Keeping the Love Tank Full

Chapman believes that everybody has a love tank. It’s like the gas tank in your car, which depletes when you use it up but also refills when you put more gas in it. The same is true for your love tank: if somebody puts something into it, then they can take something out of it later on. However, this only works if the person who puts things into your love tank does so with good intentions and really cares about how much they’re putting into your love tank; otherwise, you’ll be left empty-handed because there won’t be anything to give back to them.

We all love different things. Some people love pets, some people love places, and some people even fall in love with TV shows or cars. However, there is no equivalent to the emotional attachment that you feel for your romantic partner. In many long-term relationships, partners stop showing their affection towards each other because they’re not communicating effectively enough to keep the spark alive. It’s important to understand what your partner wants so you can create an environment of intimacy that keeps them happy and satisfied with the relationship in the long term.

By learning about the five love languages, you can make sure that your partner feels loved and appreciated.

Falling in Love

Have you ever been in love? When you were in love, did it feel like your partner was the most amazing person on earth? Maybe they weren’t capable of supporting themselves or had no goals for their future. You didn’t think that would be a problem because other couples have made it work and you felt like there was something different about your relationship.

Despite that, you eventually grew frustrated with your partner’s lack of direction. You were disappointed in their unrealistic goals and dreams. What happened after that? Did you stay in the relationship or end it and move on?

A study was conducted by Dr. Dorothy Tenner, a psychologist, to determine the length of “being in love” as it is usually defined. It was found that on average, people who are “in love” experience those strong emotions for two years before they begin to fade away. There have been couples who have stayed together for 30–40–60 years and made their relationships work despite the challenges they faced along the way. How were they able to make their relationships last so long?

To love someone, you must understand that love is more than a feeling. Love requires commitment and dedication to the person you’re in love with. The five love languages can help you accomplish this task.

Love Language 1: Words of Affirmation

A woman came home from work one day. Her husband knew she was tired, so he made dinner and did the dishes for her. He also finished up the rest of the laundry by himself while leaving his wife alone at the table to eat dinner in peace.

The husband was surprised when he found his wife crying in the dining room. He asked her what was wrong, and she said that she felt that he didn’t care for her at all. The husband was shocked because he thought that everything had gone well at dinner. However, as his wife explained herself, it became clear to him why she felt this way—he hadn’t listened to her needs during their date night out together and had made assumptions about how the evening would go instead of asking for clarification from his wife beforehand.

He hardly spoke to his wife.

If you feel the most loved when your spouse gives you compliments or encouraging words, then your love language might be words of affirmation. If a woman in this story felt unappreciated for her efforts at work, it was because her husband did not give her verbal encouragement to help ease the burden.

Declarations of love are not limited to the use of compliments. If your partner’s love language is declarations of words, they will appreciate actions that demonstrate kindness and humility.

People need to be appreciated for their work. This is especially true if you’re in a relationship with someone who works hard for you. You should appreciate them not only when they are around, but also talk about how great they were doing things even when they aren’t around. They will appreciate your efforts all the more and do even better at what they do.

Love Language 2: Quality Time

Time is money. People only have a limited amount of it, and they feel like they waste their time when they don’t use it to accomplish something important.

In the digital age, we’ve created many ways to waste time. We spend too much time on social media and binge-watch shows on Netflix. There are so many screens vying for our attention that it’s easy to forget about family members who want us around more often.

If your love language is quality time, you enjoy spending uninterrupted time with your spouse. It’s discouraging when they spend more time on their cell phone or TV than they do talking to you. You like to go out on dates and take road trips together.

Quality time also involves learning how to communicate with each other. If you barely talk when you are together, it may not feel like quality time or even enough time together. Finding out your partner’s feelings and sharing yours is important for a good relationship.

Love Language 3: Receiving Gifts

Erik and Kelsey, both baseball fans, went on a date to a minor league game. During the game Erik caught a home run ball. A few days later he sent her the ball in an engraved case with a message that said “I caught this for you.”

After dating for two years, Erik and Kelsey were married. For 15 years after that, she kept the baseball he gave her as a gift on her dresser. It was one of the most important gifts she had ever received because it showed how much he cared about their relationship. If your spouse’s love language is receiving gifts, then they don’t expect you to buy expensive items all the time; rather they appreciate meaningful gifts like those that remind them of special moments in your relationship such as flowers or a photo album or even just being present with them when they need you.

If he had known how much of an impact his presence could have, she wouldn’t have been so hurt. Sometimes your partner needs you to just be there for them when they’re going through something hard or unique.

Love Language 4: Acts of Service

When Michelle began working on her graduate school thesis, her husband Brad stepped up and took care of many things around the house. He cleaned, prepared meals, and did other tasks to make it easier for his wife to work on her thesis. When she was done with that project, he continued helping out by taking care of any chores that came up so that Michelle didn’t have to worry about them while she focused on other parts of their lives together. Even though they weren’t spending as much time together when he helped out with these things during this period in their lives, Michelle still felt loved because Brad was doing his best to help her out.

To express love to someone, you can do small things like taking on extra chores or bringing the children to a playground so your partner can have some peace and quiet. It helps if you’re willing to break out of traditional marriage roles, such as when one person works outside the home while the other takes care of all housework and childcare.

Love Language 5: Physical Touch

Touch is the only sense that can be felt all over the body. It has been proven to have a positive impact on babies and children by increasing their emotional health. Touch also continues to play an important role throughout our lives, as it helps us form relationships with others and improves our well-being.

Touch is not limited to sexual foreplay and intercourse. It can also be a hug or kiss on the cheek, hand holding, or even a reassuring pat on the shoulder. Your partner may want you to touch them in these ways when they wake up in the morning before work, or while walking down the street. Pay attention to how your partner responds to each touch and change accordingly if necessary.

Discovering Your Primary Love Language

To figure out your love language, ask yourself three questions: what you most often want from your partner, how they hurt you the most and how you show them that you love them. If it’s when they help with household chores or hold your hand while walking, then that’s probably one of your love languages. If it hurts when they criticize or ignore you, those are likely to be two other languages for which you feel more loved. And if it’s when they turn off the TV and talk to about their day or do things around the house without being asked, then those are also great ways to make sure that people know that they’re loved by expressing their appreciation in a way that makes sense for each person.

Love Is a Choice

Love is a choice that must be made even when the passion and emotions fade away. Once you know what your partner’s love language is, you can express your love to them in their preferred way. In turn, they will do the same for you. It may seem difficult at first but it’s important because it ensures that both partners are emotionally satisfied with each other. Contrary to what The Beatles song says, “All we need is love.” But if two people are committed to expressing their love for one another, they have opened up a new world where they can work through their problems together in an intimate relationship.

Loving the Unlovely

But what about relationships that have been in a negative state for so long? Is it possible to salvage your love and bring back the passion? If you’re in this situation, try learning your partner’s “love language” (the way they express their love) and expressing it. Ask them how you can improve, then work on improving those things without complaining. Try to figure out what their love language is based on things they’ve said or done before. After each month for six months, check with them to see if there are any improvements.

Conclusion

In today’s society, multiple marriages and divorces are common. It is difficult to find the right person who will love you for life. In many cases, even if a couple stays together, they may not feel as much love for each other as they did in the beginning. Therefore, we need to learn how to speak our partner’s language of love so that we can keep our relationships alive and well: Words of affirmation: You appreciate compliments from your partner and encouraging words when you’re down. Quality time: When your partner puts down their phone or stops doing whatever else it is they’re doing just to give you their full attention, it makes you happy. Receiving gifts: Your spouse should know that giving thoughtful gifts shows how much he/she cares about you; small gestures go a long way too! Acts of service: You feel most loved when your partner helps with tasks without being asked; this includes big things like taking out the trash or small things like washing dishes after dinner. Physical touch : Holding hands during walks or receiving hugs gives both people warm feelings inside; these actions also make partners more likely to be attracted towards each other later on in life (in addition to making them happier!).

Full Summary of The 5 Love Languages

Overview

There are many different languages in the world. Most people don’t speak any of them, and they can cause problems when communicating with someone who doesn’t speak their language. Fortunately, most couples have a common language that they both understand.

Actually, we don’t really know how to love. There are different ways of expressing it and understanding our partner’s way of showing it is important for any relationship to succeed. We’ll learn about the need for love, how people express their love and the different ways they feel loved.

In this article, you’ll discover how the author’s and his wife’s marriage was lost in translation. You’ll also learn why being in love only lasts for two years, as well as how a bad Christmas gift can influence communications with your partner.

Big Idea #1: Love is a human need that’s defined by your emotional well-being.

If you think about the word love, it’s a very confusing term. It’s been used to describe many things that have nothing to do with romantic relationships. However, philosophers and religious thinkers agree that love is important for your emotional health and overall well-being. So how should you think about love? You should understand what type of love is key to your emotional health–the kind of love that helps you be healthy emotionally.

And the easiest way to define what love means is to take a look at where you derive your emotional fulfillment. That’s because all humans need to be loved and appreciated, according to child psychologists. If they aren’t, it can result in instability.

The most important ones are love and affection.

Love is clearly important, and you need a way to measure it. One way to gauge whether your emotional needs are being met is by paying attention to how full your love tank is. If you’re not getting enough love, you’ll end up with an empty tank. Keeping the love tank full is an essential component of a healthy marriage. All solid marriages require fuel.

For example, one of the author’s clients believes that money and material possessions can’t compensate for an empty love tank. He thinks that a fancy house, expensive cars and a beach house don’t mean anything if your wife doesn’t love you.

Big Idea #2: Relationships change as the joy of falling in love fades; communication is the only solution.

Marriage is a topic that has been studied and discussed for decades. With so much information available, you might wonder why couples still struggle to stay married after the initial honeymoon phase.

However, I believe it’s safe to say that no matter how many experts or books claim they have the secret to successful marriage, there’s always something new we can learn about love.

Love makes us see the world through rose-tinted glasses. Here’s how:

The first phase of attraction is the instinctual part of love. It’s marked by an obsession that makes us want to reproduce and perpetuate our species. This initial phase clouds our judgment.

And it’s been studied. For instance, psychologist Dorothy Tennov conducted an in-depth analysis of the in love phenomenon and found that most relationships centered around romance last for about two years on average.

Once you’re in a relationship, the honeymoon period is over. You have to deal with each other’s differences and fulfill your emotional needs. However, how do you do that?

The first step in cultivating a lasting relationship is effective communication. People have emotional needs that the short-lived “in love” experience can’t satisfy, so couples must work on communicating effectively to sustain their relationships over time.

Not only is real love a choice, but it requires that you adopt a new attitude and way of thinking. You need to define your expectations for the marriage and share them with your partner.

Big Idea #3: People feel and express love differently, and understanding your partner’s love language is key to a long-lasting relationship.

Love is more than words. It’s body language and tone of voice, too. Some people express love differently than others, which means that we all speak a different “love language.”

So, just as being bilingual can be advantageous to you, understanding the different ways love is expressed will help you build a strong relationship. However, this requires couples to devote time and effort to discovering the nuances of one another’s love language. It’ll be worth it though because that’s the surest way to fill your partner’s love tank – which will help you excel in your relationship.

Even partners who’ve known each other for a long time can misunderstand each other. This is because they might not be speaking the same love language, which is easy to do considering that people often have different habits and ways of expressing their feelings. It’s uncommon for someone to speak the exact same love language as their partner.

Andrea and Mark used to disagree on everything but that they both loved their children. Mark knew Andrea was a good mother, but didn’t feel her giving him affection while he worked many hours at his job. On the other hand, Andrea felt that because of all his jobs, she never got to spend time with him or the kids.

The problem is that Mark and Andrea speak different languages. Mark’s primary language is physical touch, while Andrea’s is quality time. As you can see, it’s important to understand your partner’s love language in order to have a successful relationship with them. In the following points, I’ll teach you about all five love languages and how to identify which one your partner speaks!

Big Idea #4: Positive, uplifting words of affirmation are a powerful way to express love.

Most people have never heard of the Greek philosopher Xenophon. He was one of Socrates’s students, and he said that words of admiration, praise, or encouragement are sweeter than anything else.

In fact, this is the idea behind one of the love languages. It’s called words of affirmation. Here’s how to speak it:

Verbal compliments are effective when they’re simple and straightforward. For example, you can tell your partner that they look great in a new outfit or that you appreciate their sense of humor.

If you want to expand your vocabulary, keep a notebook in which you write down words that you come across. This can be done by reading newspapers and magazines, watching TV or talking with friends.

But if you want to broaden your vocabulary, you can

It’s important to remember that words of affirmation can be used as requests. However, when they’re heard as demands, the potential for intimacy is reduced and you risk scaring your partner away. So, it’s important to make sure your words are interpreted as a request rather than an ultimatum.

For example, one day a woman entered the author’s office complaining that her husband hadn’t painted their bedroom even though she had been asking him to do so for nine months!

The author’s advice is to stop mentioning the painting and compliment your husband whenever he does something positive. The woman was skeptical, but she followed his guidance and three weeks later she told him it had worked. She said that learning to give compliments instead of criticisms was a much better incentive than making biting remarks.

Big Idea #5: Spend quality time with your partner.

In today’s world, time is one of our most valued commodities. As a result, we end up getting distracted from the heart of romance—spending time together. This leads us to the second love language: quality time.

The key to this language is undivided attention.

It’s not enough to just be in the same room with your partner. Quality time means focusing on them and nothing else, even if there are lots of distractions around you. Furthermore, spending quality time with your spouse is a primary way for both of you to feel loved and appreciated. However, many married couples think they’re spending quality time together when they’re actually just spending time near each other by watching football or staring at a computer while talking to their partners; this is not giving them the attention that they need as human beings.

So, what is quality time? It’s either a quality conversation or a quality activity. You probably already know that it’s the former, but here are some examples of the latter:

A quality activity is something that one or both people want to be doing, and it’s more about expressing love than the actual event. It doesn’t matter what you do together as long as you’re there with each other. The more common activities you share, the more memories you’ll have to look back on in the future.

For instance, Emily likes going to bookstores and browsing for her next great read. Her husband, Jeff, is not as enthusiastic about literature but still enjoys this activity with his wife.

Emily’s side of the deal was learning to recognize when Jeff was about to lose his patience with her and should be left alone. As a result, Emily happily pays for whatever books Jeff ends up choosing.

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Big Idea #6: Gifts are visual symbols of love and surprising your partner with regular presents, regardless of their monetary value, is a great way to show affection.

In every society, from the Mayans to modern Eskimos, giving gifts is a part of marriage. It’s essential for couples to understand each other’s love language when it comes to receiving gifts.

The author explains that if your partner’s main love language is receiving gifts, then every gift you give will greatly express your love for them.

Gifts are a great way to express love. However, it can be hard to find out what your partner likes because you may not know all of the gifts they’ve received over the years. It’s also helpful to ask friends and family for gift-giving advice. What’s important is that you put in effort into finding out what your partner wants and giving them something they will appreciate.

For example, Doug used to give Kate gifts. When they got married he stopped giving her gifts. This was a problem since Kate’s love language is receiving gifts from others. She began feeling emotionally abandoned and the author asked Doug why he had stopped giving her gifts. He said it just cost too much money and that’s why he stopped giving them to her.

The author explains that the monetary value of presents is insignificant. The solution was to shower Kate with random gifts, which made her feel loved and gave Doug an easy way to express his love.

Big Idea #7: Doing useful things for your partner is a common way to express love.

If your partner often wishes you would clean up after dinner, take out the trash or wash the car, their primary love language might be ‘acts of service’. But how can you attend to this language?

The best way to help your partner is to do things for him or her. Doing helpful things shows that you care and helps strengthen the relationship. For example, doing chores around the house can show how much you appreciate your partner.

But just as you can’t demand love, you can’t demand acts of service from your partner. Nor can they from you. Instead of demanding that your partner do something for you, ask what you can do for them instead.

While it is important to ask this question, you should also remember that it may force you to reexamine traditional gender roles. For example, running a home and caring for children does not necessarily fall on the woman’s shoulders. You need to decide what your responsibilities are regardless of stereotypes.

Mark was raised in a household where the father did not participate in housework. Mark’s wife wanted him to help out more, but he saw it as women’s work and thought that men should not be doing such tasks. However, after seeing how important it was for his wife, he let go of these gendered stereotypes and helped around the house.

His wife was able to see that he had a stereotypical understanding of his own behavior and communicated her love and respect for him.

Big Idea #8: Physical touch is a powerful way to show your love.

Did you know that babies who are caressed, held and kissed go on to lead healthier emotional lives than those who aren’t? It’s true, and it should come as no surprise that physical touch is some people’s primary love language.

If you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t speak your language, it’s important to communicate love through touch. You can do this by holding hands when you go out, kissing and hugging each other around others. It’ll help your partner feel appreciated.

For instance, Jocelyn Green’s husband is in the military. Although they are not together all the time, she has found ways to feel close to him. If you and your partner also spend a lot of time apart, try doing something similar. For example, wearing one of his shirts while skyping or sending pictures can make you feel closer.

When you’re with your partner, it’s important to explore new ways of making each other feel good. You can try touching him or her in places that are unfamiliar and ask them what feels pleasurable. Remember, only they know what makes them feel good. In fact, both partners should take the time to learn how to touch and please each other. If you want some creative ideas on how to do this, consider studying massage or reading up on sexual techniques

It’s also important to be aware of which forms of physical touch can fill your partner’s love tank. Vary the pressure and try different things. There are only certain things that you’ll need to decide on with your partner as far as what is appropriate and inappropriate, but any type of abuse should always be reported immediately.

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Big Idea #9: Pinpoint your primary love language.

Now that you know the five love languages, how can you figure out which one is your primary one? It’s actually pretty easy to find out.

What do you most often want from your partner? Think about how they fulfill that desire, and what would feel truly appreciated. Perhaps it’s doing something for them or just praise.

Once you know what feels good, think about what your partners have failed to do for you in the past. In fact, painful relationship experiences can be a guide to finding your love language. Think back on what your partners have failed to do for you in the past.

For example, if someone you love has hurt you or failed to show you love in the way that you wanted, perhaps they simply didn’t understand how to do it. If all such instances fall into a single category (your primary love language), there’s a good chance that your primary love language is ___.

But how we were raised also has a major effect on the development of our love language. For example, if your parents showed you lots of affection when you were growing up, that could mean they speak Words of Affirmation.

In the same way, Ella’s love language can be determined by her childhood experiences. Specifically, she remembers a Christmas morning when she was little and didn’t receive any gifts.

Her older brother didn’t put much effort into choosing a present for her, and he gave her something that was lying around the house. She felt hurt by this because she knew that it wasn’t personal.

And remember, once you and your partner figure out what makes each of you feel loved, use it. Communication is the key to a great relationship.

#1 Book Summary: The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman

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